The one where I interview Jayman

I had some free time this past week, so I flew down to Arkansas and hung around the strip clubs until I spotted my favorite blogger. Then I asked him for an interview. He amazingly said yes. Then I told him to take off his pants and have a seat in the awkward chair, which is wicker, he's a good sport.

Jay: *takes hit of tequila*

Kim R: For the first obvious question, what made you decide to start a blog?

Jay: Well, mostly because I had nothing else to do. I had been reading blogs for some time and I was still feeling the effects (or is affects?) of my usual Holiday Depression so in Jan of '06 I decided to start a blog.

Kim R: I was reading some of your earlier blog posts, like in the first month or so and the theme of your blog changed a bit, was this a conscience effort or rather just natural progression of things?

Jay: It was really a natural progression. Early on there was a lot of just going on the blog to bitch and wine and wallow in self-pity and throw in some self-loathing. That got pretty old pretty fast. Also there was a lot of political stuff, which I still do some of. But, basically the changes happened organically.

Kim R: Have you ever thought about just stealing Cosette? I mean, she's pretty adorable.

Jay: I have. And, I don't think it would bother Cosette at all. I mean, that dog loves me like a super model loves cocaine. But, she wouldn't be happy in a little apartment. So, I let my sister keep her.

Kim R: Did you know that Dolphins are the few mammals that have sex for fun? Why don't we see more dolphin porn?

Jay: Another reason why dolphins are so damn cool. I think the lack of dolphin porn though is probably tied to the fact that Apple would reject any good dolphin porn apps for the iPhone and iPad.

Kim R: and you're totally right about stupid Apple. Fuck Apple and their non existent porn apps 

Kim R: You seem to talk a lot about strippers, is this because you are secretly a stripper? I bet you could handle that pole pretty well.

Jay: Have no real talent when it comes to handling the pole. Well, there was that one time in college but I was drunk and he was .. wait .. that's not the kind of pole you meant, was it? Anyway, I think it would be cool to be a stripper. I just doubt I could make much of a living at it.

Kim R: I'd pay to see you. Is that creepy? I noticed in one of your early blog posts that you said you wanted to live in the three places I have lived. I was raised near San Francisco, I lived in Seattle and now reside in Chicago, so we're totally BFF's right? But I have to tell you, you don't want to live in Seattle, they are a semi-dry city AND their strippers only show boobies and you can't drink in the strip club.

Jay: I don't think I would have a problem with Seattle. I don't drink in the strip clubs anyway, because that's when things go bad. Also, Seattle has a lot of Asian chicks. Second only to Latin chicks on the Awesome Stripper Scale (ASS). But, if you think about it San Francisco is probably even better for that than Seattle. So the only advantage Seattle actually has is that it's close to Canada and I could create an escape plan in case Sarah Palin were to be elected President.

Kim R: Great plan, you can kayak to one of the small islands then swim to Canada.

Jay: That's not a bad idea. Would make a great made for TV movie too.

Kim R: True, true

Kim R: You know those cell phones with a touch screen? they don't work well in the winter because the screen responds to body heat. Would you steal a freshly dead hobo's hand to work the phone?

Jay: As long as there wasn't too much blood or other bodily fluids around and none got on my shoes, yes. That way I could keep up with Twitter.

Kim R: I think your answer says a lot about you. You have your priorities straight.

Jay: Twitter is life.

Kim R: Who was your first repeat commenter? on your blog, not on twitter

Jay: A chick who goes by the name of Tink. She was the first person who started commenting daily on my blog. She's really freaking awesome. She has sent me a few homemade CDs of good music a couple of times. Sadly she stopped blogging and is pretty much exclusively on Facebook now.

Kim R: Thus why you should continue your stalking

Jay: The stalking never ends. Gotta stay sharp!

Jay: I don't know if men ever say that to women. I mean, I don't think I do. But, I'm always sensitive about not hurting anyone's feeling and shit, ya know.

Kim R: We've met once, what was your first impression? No worries, I live like a thousand miles away, I can't hurt you from here, lol

Jay: You seemed much more shy than I thought you would be. Sure, people are often quiet and reserved when faced with my intimidating presence and boyish charm. But, you were much quieter than I thought. But, at the same time you were even more awesome than I thought you were too. Which means you are pretty damn awesome.

Kim R: Awwwww, brownie points! lol

Kim R: A few more questions. Do you have a blog troll? I can't imagine you having a troll

Jay: I used to have one. Somebody from South Carolina who kept coming by to call me a fag and tell me how much I hated America anytime I criticized George W. Bush. But he or she got tired and moved on. I also had one person call me a "fat pig" and tell me they hoped I "got cancer and died." That was really fresh. But, lately no trolls. Which is kinda sad.

Kim R: They can at least find better names to call you. Although the get cancer and die thing is rather mean.

Jay: That was kind of low, but the blog post was about Elizabeth Edwards using her cancer politically. So, in context it makes a little more sense.

Kim R: What were you like as a kid? Did you have an imaginary friend? Did you burn ants with fire?

Jay: I was a pretty reserved and anti-social kid. Not much has really changed. I never got into too much trouble. I grew up in a small town and my dad was very well known. I really couldn't get away with anything because everyone knew who I was. So, I had to wait until I went off to college to do anything fun.

Kim R: lots of strippers and dead hookers?

Jay: Of course, I lived in a dry county and there were no strip clubs when I was growing up. Also, we had never heard of MILFs and there was no internet to see my friends' mothers naked pics posted to their blogs and facebook pages.

Jay: Yeah, college is basically just one big blur of alcohol and strippers.

Kim R: oh the humanity!

Kim R: One more question

Jay: I wish I could go back to college.

Kim R: Me too

Kim R: Any advice at all for anyone?

Jay: Buy low, sell high. Don't eat the yellow snow. Never draw to an inside straight. That pretty much covers everything.

Jay: Oh and just be yourself and don't give a shit what anyone else thinks.

Jay: And if start a blog don't be afraid to just say what you think and if people disagree with you, so be it.

Kim R: When you write your life memoirs (?) which you totally should, by the way, will you include me in one of the chapters about the freaks you met on twitter?

Jay: I think you will probably be a recurring character through out the book. Obviously you'll come in near the middle cause I'm forty-freaking-two, but you'll be fairly prominent in the book. Probably because you provide a lot good material.

Kim R: LOL thanks Jay.

Jay: Maybe not as much as that one stripper in Vegas. But, you know. Still, a lot of material.

Jay writes the knee slapper blog Cynical Bastard and can also be found on The Twitter.

I would like to interview more bloggers, so if you have a good sense of humor and want to participate, email me at kimmeh7585@gmail.com.